Invincible?

With youth comes a sort of invincibility, invulnerably? I was, at the tender age of 14, robbed of this invincibility. I was told that if I continued down the path I was heading in that I would not see my 18th birthday. I refused to listen to this; however, and continued down that path.

Teenagers experiment with many things. I experimented with cutting and self harm, while my best friend experimented with drugs. While we were both going down very different paths they seemed to lead to the same end. Neither of us thought that we were invincible, both of us knew that our vices would more than likely be the end of us, and we both headed down the path together.

We both started off small. I cut with used dull shaving razors. I do not know how she started, but when I met her she only smoked weed. Neither of us felt like what we were doing was a big deal, and both of us tried to convince the other it was. At that time I don't think either of us grasped the gravity of the situation. We both still had our invincibility back then.

Me and this girl lost touch with each other because of a fight involving our vices. When we came back into each others lives we were different people. We had both had numerous brushes with death, and we both were starting to wish we could change our lives around. It was only right in my mind that since we started down these paths together we should end together. Her end was death. During her last few days I became closer to her than I have ever become to anyone. If it was not for her I would probably be dead too.

Her death allowed me to change my life around. While I do not see her death as a good thing I believe she would, because it allowed her to change someone else's life. I am 18, and while I still know I am not invincible I believe she is. With death comes a sort of invincibility that no one alive will ever know. SHE is not dead to me, and as long as I live the memory of her will be alive.

Justification?

If the end justifies the means then why do the means not justify the end? Meaning if someone does a lot of horrible things and gets good results and that is okay, why is it not okay if someone does a lot of good things, with good intentions, and it ends badly?

I had nothing but good intentions, and what I thought were good actions. No matter what I do, and how good my intentions are, I always seem to make everything worse. Sometimes I wonder why try? If everything is going to end up worse anyways how necessary is my involvement? That train of thought always leads to this: How much worse would things have turned out if I hadn't gotten involved? Is it worse to do nothing, or try your hardest to do right by someone and fail them?

I try my best, as I feel everyone should, to do right by everyone. It seems to me that everyone I come into contact with is worse off because of it. I just want to touch people, to change peoples lives in a way that other people have helped me change mine.